I felt like the proverbial butterfly -- no, I was still in the cocoon going through the dying process. I realize now I had to die -- mentally and emotionally -- before I could really live. I had to die to so many things: shame, hurt, anger, loss, loneliness, pity parties. I had to work through trying to understand, trying to let go, trying to reason through feelings I didn't understand.
"I just don't have time for you."
"I'm disappointed in you."
"I need to focus my time on people who are REALLY sick."
"I don't believe you."
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch and Ouch.
Then GRACE stepped in. It had been there all along, I was just unable to see it for awhile. I started listening to other voices. How grateful I am I listened to those other voices! I thought I was going crazy there for awhile.
"Yes, you are really sick."
"You have cognitive issues we need to work on."
"You still have a lot to offer. Don't give up."
"Get off your butt and quit feeling sorry for yourself." (I miss you, my friend! RIP)
"We're so sorry for your disability, but we're so blessed you are with us now." (the gift of a new church family)
And then I watched this movie: "We Bought a Zoo"
It's not some deep theological movie - obviously -- but Matt Damon says this line in it that has clung to my heart ...
That was about eleven months ago. Since then I've had a major attitude adjustment. And every day I remind myself to start out with "twenty seconds of insane courage" and go from there. And it gets easier every day.
The physical issues are the same. I still have to work on paranoia due to memory issues and worrying over what I might mess up. I'm in the midst of being confined to my recliner at home due to a possible hairline fracture of my knee cap but you know what? That's nothing. Someone out there has it far worse.
Someone received a horrible diagnosis today
Someone is dealing with a broken relationship
Someone is grieving the loss of a loved one taken far too soon
Someone is being bullied and wonders if life is worth living
We've all had that name before: "Someone"
But there is a better name we all have -- whether we know it or not, whether we claim it or not: BELOVED CHILD OF GOD.
I thought today was just going to be another normal day but it wasn't. The grace of God pinched my heart and made it clear: it was time to quit worrying what others thought and time to speak my truth. I don't know why. It may be more for me than anyone but maybe, just maybe someone will need to be reminded -- your name is so much more. You are not "someone" -- you are beloved child of God. You are not alone. You are never alone. You are loved.
Once again, enjoying the journey,
Debra
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.
-- Proverbs 3:5-6
